Ice Station Zebra - The dream

In the arctic on an isolated ice station. Somebody is organizing a fashion show and I have to participate. I have to try the clothes for the show. It is strange but they want me to wear a mini skirt - black with tiny white dotes.and also black stockings and high heels. They say the mini skirt looks nice on me and I should do the fashion show with it. I wonder because I know I have fat legs. In another part of the station giant waves of freezing water are burg in in. freezing cold, violent, transparent. Many people are in the hall - it is like a busy airport in emergency situation. But I don't get wet from the water...
Somehow the water do not penetrate the hall. I am worried sick because my ski suit is in the other side of the station. I feel exposed and fear. pause
The water disappear and now it is ice, freezing from very low under zero temperatures, sometime the ice is painful and black from dirt. I slide a bathroom door and 2 wolves are coming out of the bathroom. The wolves are very skinny, weightless and move like they are made of paper. one of the wolves gets out of the hall and the other one sits in the middle in front of all the crowd. The wolf is not afraid of anybody.
I know the wolves are dangerous. I want to reach my ski suit but I know I cannot go out to the ice because many wolves, hungry, dangerous dwell there.
Someone gives me and idea to reach the other side via the air condition tunnels.
It is possible - maybe in that way I could fetch my ski suit and feel safe.

Final results - almost 9 kilos in 18 days and 9cm less around my waist

16:30, final consultation with the doctor. Almost 9 kilos lost in 18 days, 9cm less around my waist.

Yes. I am back on track and road ahead is illuminated and promising. Amen.

Healing Quest

I think nurse Korina is right. I should end the fast today so I can have a proper rehabilitation period in the clinic. I suffer during the nights, gas and she says enough.

I woke up around 7:00 am with a night mare: the river is quickly surfacing and washing from their playing beds little girls while they play while I take care of them, sing to them and laugh with them. Two of them are my little nieces and two of them are the daughters of a very sexy man that I like.

Again water, again tide and swarming and now not only threatening but drowning the little girls. All happened at the end of a long dream when I arrived to this house and to this man.

This is the little girl, the monster that I am looking for. The one who wants a legitimate room in my life with the "toys" she loves and the "sweets" she likes. Touching her is so frightening that the river is surfacing and a great flood is taking everything away, drowning the girl.

Last enema - yes, another fasting day no. I also promised at home that this would not be a fast quest but a healing quest. Not to conquest another fasting day but to reach a self transformation a turning point.

Meeting with the Nutritionist

The meeting with the nutritionist was so nice. "Perfect", she says and looks at the forms that I filled about my eating patterns, "I have no remarks".

What? How can it be? I felt so guilty when I filled up those forms and I did my best to be accurate. I am so overweight. How can it be?

OK we mark a big circle around the binging of 5pm. Here is the weak link. Here is where you have to watch and count.

"Here dwells the monster" I say

"Monster?", She says, "that's interesting. Who is this monster? Why do you call her (Oh then it's a she…) monster? Maybe you should draw her and give her a face?"

Maybe you should get to know her, be friends with her and show her that she belongs. Why not give her the sweets and chocolate she loves so much"?

The nutritionist says: "take a stone and write guilt on it and throw it to the lake.

 Enough of feeling guilty for eating and nourishing yourself with food.

What you do here is perfectly OK, healthy and balanced and will bring good results. Just trust yourself. You are consuming a lot of vegetables and fruit."

And the conversation went on effortlessly. I told her I was bulimic in my youth, I told her about emotional Trans eating. "OK", say says, "I do not recommend a fasting day once a week. Because of your history the best for you would be to stick to a consistent plan of 3 meals a day. Imagine a large Pilates ball that you try to push under the water, from my experience the more you push the ball into the water the more it's resistant will throw it back out of the water and the same with your eating. If you push too hard you'll get a strong resistant and you want be able to control."

She gave me a book of the nutritionist of lady D. who was also bulimic: "Change your eating change your life".

I really must go to swim and think about this refreshing meeting, not at all what I expect. And she also gave a lot of recepies and alternatives to cook and prepare meals from.

It is obvious to me that I will go tomorrow to the art therapy work shop to paint my monster. She monster. I think I will color her with gentle water colors. I think I can love her.

She monster.

Siddharta by Hermann Hesse magic and fasting

17th day 7:30 am
Awake since early morning another one of those nights which I don't sleep well, disturbed by gas and fears.
I pressed again the button calling for the nurse but then I realized I am fine, just a bad dream and I told her on the phone that I am OK.
The process is working! just trust it.
Today I meet the nutritionist twice. First time for a general lecture: how to break the fast and the second meeting is a private consultation.

I am swaying between joy of the nearing end of the fast, fears of how my body will except the new vibrations of food and impatience, wanna be there...
A good loving and supporting message from home really makes my day.
I am so blessed.

and in the lecture the nutritionist had a quote from Siddharta by Hemann Hesse. I used to like this book so much. Used to think of it as a master who guides me. I remember my youth now, my younger self. I can connect in body and soul to my youngest, ageless self. I am the girl that read Siddharta when she was 17.
Fasting makes you feel younger, resetting your program, elevates your soul. Emphasises a better connection to the body, like all part are attached to me now and I am in perfect bliss.
Hemann Hesse, Siddharta:
         " Everyone can perform magic,
            Everyone can reach his goal
                         if she can think,  if she can wait, if she can fast."

                        

My walk of life

16th day 7:00 am 97.2 110/70
It must be meaningful I think to myself.
I sit and gaze at this wonderful lake, a chilly foggy European autumn morning. The view is glowing like under a gentle veil and like smoke coming from the water.
The green forests are still dark, not lightened.
It must be meaningful that I chose to sit here on my own. It is new year eve and I am detoxing, healing myself, puring myself.
There is courage, deliberation, determination, direction, destination.
 A promise.
I walk the path, very few talking, Sisyphus walk, day after day, walking!
My walk of life.
Happy new year. Amen

Gas versus Spirituality

15th day, 5:00 am
Woke up stressed - but I feel better. Last night I had the same difficulties with my stomach - the gases and the freezing feeling at my upper stomach. But I knew what it is and I had the Iberogast drops to helped me. Calm mind and drops supports enabled me to cope with it. I think I will do colonic irrigation today.
I dreamt about my friends. All of them going out together without inviting us - revenging me for not being available for a long time.
This fast is so difficult and demanding. My process is so intensive! not leaving a single issue untouched(physically, emotionally, mentally). The truth is that I barely roam in the spiritual realms. I think I should point my intentions in those last 4 days that are yet to fast - inward, towards the spiritual zone. That thought alone is so encouraging and lifting me up.



"Yes", said the Colon Hydro Therapist, "It might be Candida. Candida, if it doesn't get fed by sugar(as it used to be fed by a lot of sugar - daily) - gets very aggressive.
I have to remember to take probiotics at the end of the fast and also to stay away from sugar, yeast, dairy (Feta cheese of goat and natural yogurt are OK).
I am relieved. Exhausted but relieved. So many fears and tension during the treatment. Tension pops out in every little crisis, jerking upon a call like an old house elf ready for service

Healing Crisis num 2 - out of nowhere

Yesterday, after the enema I felt blotted. Full of water. During the day I had gas, sensation of dhiaria even took GrapeSeedExtract drops. After the evening soup it got worse and a serious of hick ups that made me feel like I am going to vomit. When I went to bed A freezing sensation silently gripped my upper belly. I panicked. I put a hot water bottle on the belly. It didn't help. I was restless and watched the nurse button nervously. In a certain moment I was so afraid, tears came to my eyes and I wanted to call home and ask them to come and take me home. An ancient fear from the freezing feeling that it might get upwards and ...can't imagine what, maybe a big disinfection in the belly. At last I pressed the nurse button. I was not happy to let another new nurse with a heavy German accent enter my room, my privacy, my life.
But
It was Gertrud again with her magic smile: I say "a sense of frost" and she says "gas".
Immediately she gives me something to drink - a herbal mixture for the gas. She says: "I will be back in 10 minutes and by then you will already be able to if you feel a relief and we could know if we found the problem".
I felt a relief.
She came back with fennel tea mixed with another homeopathic medicine. She massaged my belly with a special baby oil and put rescue drops under my tongue and my hand wrists. She prepared a liver pack for the night said that 2 private art therapy lessons will be very helpful and left.
I probably slept very well , like a baby with no dreams. She probably knows what she is doing - the liver pack didn't move an inch.
It is morning of day number 14 and I am so empowered and satisfied by this process. Feeling so strong and healthy after another healing crisis.
I might not do another enema? my body needs stillness and calm vibrations.
97.8 140/85

Sunday 25/9/2011

We saw yesterday the movie "Peaceful Warrior".

It's only your ego you have to let go: The letting go of the ego was very well put into a scene were the hero climbs to the roof top of a church in a stormy weather and he is so desperate he wants to kill himself. Out of nowhere pops another "him" , violent, crazy, ugly, dangerous, very aggressive and suddenly the hero realizes that's it's not him who has to jump and therefore to be terrified. It's only his ego that he is letting go and the ego struggles with all its might and all is legitimate…

Other golden themes from the movie are the joy and purposes are in the journey and not in the destination. There is only a collection of now moments. Fulfill your dreams, fight for them, and never give up something you love regardless of its logical chances and just do it not for the gold the trophy that you might get at the end.

I woke up with another stressful dream. I know that I have been dreaming a lot. (All nights – probably a lot of toxins – emotions are cleansing from my system and it's impossible to realize or appreciate during the process. The dreams that are the most stressful ones or the most important for me to acknowledge and address are the dreams that wake me up:

My brother, his wife and small baby are with me at the beach. It's so foggy that we can't see our way back. I know the way – we are close to the stairs that will lead us out of the beach – but he is insisting on going on the wrong direction. I have to save my life or continue arguing with him about what to do… I scream and shout and argue: "don't go there" but it looks like there is no common sense in him. Suddenly he starts to crawl and he is saying: "I have pain in my knees and can't walk."

What? The tide is closing on us?! The weather is hysterically dangerous?! You are here with your wife and baby – yet he cannot fight for himself and for his family

This is so much! an overflow of emotions in my heart – I wake up

98.2 140/85
The week's goal is normalize the blood pressure.
Thanks  God it's raining and foggy. It is only possible to see the first 100 m. I love this weather! not really wishing to go out of bed, not to go out for a walk. Only to hug myself under the warm blankets, hold the hot water bottle and relax. I will follow my body desires and rest. My body resents the gym - doesn't want it anymore so i will not go to the gym until I finish the fasting period. Instead i will swim twice a day in the heated pool. In the pool I feel like in heaven, relaxed. Of course I will do yoga and meditation. Not even Pilates. I hardly bare to talk to people in juice and soup time.
Time to go inside physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Trust the process it works. (Baby steps)

I really planned to go to the walking tour. The program seemed so attractive and the route for level C looked so simple, only 4km. So I dressed up and arrived to the lobby at 14:17 and to my great disappointment today they've already left at 14:00.
"You should have checked the program for changes" said the receptionist. Oops.
I accept. Maybe that's the way I should treat my healing process - gently - make only simple safe baby steps. Trust the process cause it works.
I am hungry. I don't feel like going to the gym anymore. I am upset because tomorrow is Sunday and after that I still have a whole fasting week ahead of me.
I still didn't take a day off exercise so I think today is the day for resting.
Yesterday I swam for 21/2 hours, no gym. Today I will settle with the morning swim and yoga in my room.
What should I do? just do it! OK.
I will rest, do  yoga and write.
After that I will calmly go to eat my soup and tonight there is an excellent movie: Peaceful warrior with Nick Nolte.
I am fine.