18th day 00.23 am
"She'll be coming around the mountain she she comes…"
I woke up in the middle of night performing the Wild West songs with a very high pulse as if I ran for hours.
I sang number after number and sang for a long time in my dream with the mike in my hand and accompanied by saxophone and trumpets. "Relax", I tell myself, "breave deep". My stomach sings and my mouth is dry.
Maybe I should read something relaxing - like Harry Potter 6? Maybe not.
I stay awake almost all night. Noisy hick ups and I saw 2 movies, 2 comedies in a row.
4:30 am in the morning.
Out of this mess the road is clear. Nutrition is OK, Gym is OK the road is OK. The only thing my only obstacle is my way of thinking the destructive guilt and disbelief in my own good judgment. My road is stretching clearly ahead of me, I have already walked this path before, I know it! I control it. Nothing is frightening no surprises everything is familiar.
Once I roamed in the land of lack of self confidence, self destruction, self doubt – I leave this road and surface to the bright day light.
I am not down there anymore. No doubts! No hesitations! self confidence! not ashamed! not pleasing! sure of myself professionally: when I fast when I sing when I manage my work.
Physically capable: at the pool, when I ride the bicycle, when I walk, when I exercise, when I eat I know what to do. I control my menu! the head nutritionist of the clinic said that I am perfect. Emotionally understanding and respecting and loving the little monster, containing her, embracing her. She monster.
Mentally focusing on the present, clearance, determination, deliberation, consistency, persistence, meditation, all senses awaken.
Creative thought: Maybe I should declare that 17:00 daily is my official monster hour and I will host her in my life with the sweets she likes.