Tummy Talks and reasons for binging

I speak with my tummy. I try to agree with her on the daily menu.
She is trying to go with the flow to please me and I take care of her.
Suddenly the tummy signals to stop: "I cannot go to this meeting so exposed and bare.."
anything can do even a sandwich because this fear is not rooted in despair and lack of love. It's only fear.

My tummy must be top priority. she can never feel empty or hollow because it is frightening. When the tummy is empty a big dark despair of loneliness and fear can crawl in.
Something terrible can happen.
So I respect that fear and protect the tummy of this little girl(myself).
It can never happen again.
I will protect her.

Big Sorrow - starting all over again

First thing in the morning weighning myself: 103.4
It can't be - I have to start this journey all over again
Join me
support me
LOVE

Ice Station Zebra - The dream

In the arctic on an isolated ice station. Somebody is organizing a fashion show and I have to participate. I have to try the clothes for the show. It is strange but they want me to wear a mini skirt - black with tiny white dotes.and also black stockings and high heels. They say the mini skirt looks nice on me and I should do the fashion show with it. I wonder because I know I have fat legs. In another part of the station giant waves of freezing water are burg in in. freezing cold, violent, transparent. Many people are in the hall - it is like a busy airport in emergency situation. But I don't get wet from the water...
Somehow the water do not penetrate the hall. I am worried sick because my ski suit is in the other side of the station. I feel exposed and fear. pause
The water disappear and now it is ice, freezing from very low under zero temperatures, sometime the ice is painful and black from dirt. I slide a bathroom door and 2 wolves are coming out of the bathroom. The wolves are very skinny, weightless and move like they are made of paper. one of the wolves gets out of the hall and the other one sits in the middle in front of all the crowd. The wolf is not afraid of anybody.
I know the wolves are dangerous. I want to reach my ski suit but I know I cannot go out to the ice because many wolves, hungry, dangerous dwell there.
Someone gives me and idea to reach the other side via the air condition tunnels.
It is possible - maybe in that way I could fetch my ski suit and feel safe.

Final results - almost 9 kilos in 18 days and 9cm less around my waist

16:30, final consultation with the doctor. Almost 9 kilos lost in 18 days, 9cm less around my waist.

Yes. I am back on track and road ahead is illuminated and promising. Amen.

Healing Quest

I think nurse Korina is right. I should end the fast today so I can have a proper rehabilitation period in the clinic. I suffer during the nights, gas and she says enough.

I woke up around 7:00 am with a night mare: the river is quickly surfacing and washing from their playing beds little girls while they play while I take care of them, sing to them and laugh with them. Two of them are my little nieces and two of them are the daughters of a very sexy man that I like.

Again water, again tide and swarming and now not only threatening but drowning the little girls. All happened at the end of a long dream when I arrived to this house and to this man.

This is the little girl, the monster that I am looking for. The one who wants a legitimate room in my life with the "toys" she loves and the "sweets" she likes. Touching her is so frightening that the river is surfacing and a great flood is taking everything away, drowning the girl.

Last enema - yes, another fasting day no. I also promised at home that this would not be a fast quest but a healing quest. Not to conquest another fasting day but to reach a self transformation a turning point.

Flood of emotions - digging deeper

18^th day 00.23 am

"She'll be coming around the mountain she she comes…"

I woke up in the middle of night performing the Wild West songs with a very high pulse as if I ran for hours.

I sang number after number and sang for a long time in my dream with the mike in my hand and accompanied by saxophone and trumpets. "Relax", I tell myself, "breave deep". My stomach sings and my mouth is dry.

Maybe I should read something relaxing - like Harry Potter 6? Maybe not.

I stay awake almost all night. Noisy hick ups and I saw 2 movies, 2 comedies in a row.

 4:30 am in the morning.

Out of this mess the road is clear. Nutrition is OK, Gym is OK the road is OK. The only thing my only obstacle is my way of thinking the destructive guilt and disbelief in my own good judgment. My road is stretching clearly ahead of me, I have already walked this path before, I know it! I control it. Nothing is frightening no surprises everything is familiar.

Once I roamed in the land of lack of self confidence, self destruction, self doubt – I leave this road and surface to the bright day light.

I am not down there anymore. No doubts! No hesitations! self confidence! not ashamed! not pleasing! sure of myself professionally:  when I fast when I sing when I manage my work.

Physically capable: at the pool, when I ride the bicycle, when I walk, when I exercise, when I eat I know what to do. I control my menu! the head nutritionist of the clinic said that I am perfect. Emotionally understanding and respecting and loving the little monster, containing her, embracing her. She monster.

Relaxed.

Mentally focusing on the present, clearance, determination, deliberation, consistency, persistence, meditation, all senses awaken.

Spiritually loving.

Creative thought: Maybe I should declare that 17:00 daily is my official monster hour and I will host her in my life with the sweets she likes.

Meeting with the Nutritionist

The meeting with the nutritionist was so nice. "Perfect", she says and looks at the forms that I filled about my eating patterns, "I have no remarks".

What? How can it be? I felt so guilty when I filled up those forms and I did my best to be accurate. I am so overweight. How can it be?

OK we mark a big circle around the binging of 5pm. Here is the weak link. Here is where you have to watch and count.

"Here dwells the monster" I say

"Monster?", She says, "that's interesting. Who is this monster? Why do you call her (Oh then it's a she…) monster? Maybe you should draw her and give her a face?"

Maybe you should get to know her, be friends with her and show her that she belongs. Why not give her the sweets and chocolate she loves so much"?

The nutritionist says: "take a stone and write guilt on it and throw it to the lake.

 Enough of feeling guilty for eating and nourishing yourself with food.

What you do here is perfectly OK, healthy and balanced and will bring good results. Just trust yourself. You are consuming a lot of vegetables and fruit."

And the conversation went on effortlessly. I told her I was bulimic in my youth, I told her about emotional Trans eating. "OK", say says, "I do not recommend a fasting day once a week. Because of your history the best for you would be to stick to a consistent plan of 3 meals a day. Imagine a large Pilates ball that you try to push under the water, from my experience the more you push the ball into the water the more it's resistant will throw it back out of the water and the same with your eating. If you push too hard you'll get a strong resistant and you want be able to control."

She gave me a book of the nutritionist of lady D. who was also bulimic: "Change your eating change your life".

I really must go to swim and think about this refreshing meeting, not at all what I expect. And she also gave a lot of recepies and alternatives to cook and prepare meals from.

It is obvious to me that I will go tomorrow to the art therapy work shop to paint my monster. She monster. I think I will color her with gentle water colors. I think I can love her.

She monster.